Tery’s Story

Hook, Line, and Sinker……. and the journey after.

I was a happy, self-employed single Mother with a great quality of life. My business brought home a fantastic income. My children well behaved, well adjusted, happy, and great in school. I had been single for several years, and I devoted my time, and my love to my boys, Ryan and T.J. I was happy to do so, and a very proud Mom! We had a great quality of life, camping, bowling, fishing, movies, vacations, and we laughed hard together!

Although my life with my children was fulfilling, I had been single for a few years, and at times, I missed the companionship of a mate. I was really picky though. I went on a lot of dates, had great times, but they had to pass the “interview” before I would ever introduce them to my boys.

I was out with a girlfriend one night at a restaurant, and “he” walked up to me. We’ll call him “Lance Romance” from now on. I thought…..what a bold guy to just walk up to me at a restaurant and tell me I was beautiful, and ask for a date. (yes, I was a sucker) What a line…..I figured…..but why not. I’ll drive my car, and meet him there. We talked for hours. He shared some of his life with me. “Lance Romance” said he was a single Dad, and very devoted to his children. He was sweet and charming.  It was summer, and my boys were on visitation, so we spent A LOT of time together. He passed my “Interview,” with flying colors. I thought, wow, this guy is just what I’ve always wanted in a partner.

We were married shortly after. We spent every chance we had together, and he was never short on sweetness….not yet. We decided to have a baby a few months after that. As soon as I got pregnant, things changed. He started being away from our home for 12-15 hours a day. Things started coming in the mail, things that would show me his “other life.” When I questioned him, he became very defensive. He didn’t like me discovering the hidden pieces. He had a string of ex-wives, 7 children by six different women (most of which he had no relationship with whatsoever), and he wasn’t paying child support. He was THOUSANDS behind. After we split up, I found checks upon checks written to local taverns. He had spent $15,000.00 in three months (video poker). I never knew. I thought he was working… He was rarely home, and I was a convenient baby-sitter for his kids. This sweet charming family man, was showing a whole different side. He filed for divorce after 16 months. I guess he didn’t like me uncovering his ugly past. He moved in his “new” girlfriend almost immediately. I later found out, he had been seeing her while we were married and I was pregnant. When he left, I  discovered that the $117,000.00 in our bank account had been transferred into his new girlfriends account. He left me about $234.00. I had given up my business to help him start his. Now he was successful, and I had to resort to welfare. He hired the best attorney, and I hired the worst. During this time, I had to research him. I needed to find out exactly “who” I was dealing with. I did…… Due to slander laws, I’ll refrain from specifics, but I WILL SAY, he was NOT even close to the man he presented himself to be.

He fought me for custody, and promised me he’d make my life a living hell. It was the only promise he has ever kept. Here I was raising our infant son, on welfare, and he was riding around in a brand new Dodge pickup sporting his girlfriend and a bankroll. No child support, not even a package of diapers. I couldn’t afford the big time attorney like he could, so I settled for one that would take my case without a retainer. It was my only choice. Upon going to court, my attorney said, “I’ve sent all your professional witnesses homeÂ…we don’t need them. We’ve got this in the bag!” “Lance” had paid people to testify against me in courtÂ….yes, they were his employees, and wanted to keep their jobs, so they took the “bonus” and went to court. They, and others later came to me and told me that he had offered them large sums of money to plant drugs in my car so I would loose custody. At least they had some decent morals left and declined. He and his girlfriend called the Police on me almost constantly making false reports. They both accused me of everything you could imagine. I lost custody of my son. The Judge wasn’t impressed with the lack of professional witnesses, and the one’s I had, my attorney had sent home without telling me beforehand. Myself, my friends and my family were in total shock. They knew his historyÂ…Â…and, they knew mine. The day I lost custody of my son to such an irresponsible, violent, manipulative, coercive con man, was the worst day of my life. Now my son would be raised in that environment, rather than the healthy happy one I had provided to my older boys.

For the next three years I spent every dime I had, I borrowed and had what I call “our guardian angel” financially assisting me with attorney fees. My ex married that gal, and they had both repeatedly reported horrific domestic violence between them. She claimed he had put a knife to her throat, and he claimed (and she admitted) to putting a gun to his head twice in fights. The children were present during their domestic violence. I knew about it, but only the courts could help me get my son out of there. The District Attorney wasn’t much help either. It was a continuous waiting game. My ex postponed hearing after hearing, one excuse after another. Three and a half years later in the middle of trial, the Judge and our attorney’s were in chambers. We had already presented some horrific details of their “home life”. We had stacks of documents, restraining orders, their taped interviews at the Sheriff’s Dept., a Deputy testified, my son’s play therapist; the list of evidence went on and on. The Judge looked at his attorney and said, “You’re client’s in BIG trouble, and you know it”. His attorney then requested a custody evaluation. More waiting. At times, I wanted to give up. I had fought continuously for over three years, and nothing was being done. I was broke, credit over extended, and emotionally exhausted. My son would beg me to stay with me. I had to send him, and did. That custody evaluation was the dumbest request he ever made of the court, but it sure shed light on everything!

On June 3rd 2003, I regained full custody of our son. It was a costly battle, an emotionally draining battle, frustrating, painful, and exhausting….but the outcome, PRICELESS. My son lives with me, where he is safe, away from yelling, screaming, domestic violence, dysfunction and turmoil. At times, I still can’t believe it’s finally over, and sometimes I even tear up still when I realize it really is over.

He still doesn’t pay his child support, but that’s what garnishments are for!  He lost his business, and his wife. He burned all his bridges here and moved out of state a few years ago. Started up a new business, new life, new women. Good grief. Sadly, some people never change and continue to hurt those in their path.

Me, well, I learned some tough lessons. I made a poor choice when I married a man I didn’t take enough time to get to know first. I’ve learned a lot from this experience, and become much wiser.  Sometimes unfortunate situations bring us success! Like they say, “when you’ve got lemons, make lemonade!”

I guess everything happens for a reason. Someday, I’ll write a book about the whole experience. It’s really changed me and how I see things and people. If you’re in a situation where domestic violence, mental abuse, or emotional abuse is present, GET OUT. You can’t fix them, they have to want help. Just keep on praying and work on yourself so you can heal and help your children heal. There are some wonderful Father’s out there, and fortunately, my story is pretty rare.

Our son, he’s  eleven years old, healthy, and happy! He used to see his dad with some safety guidlines in place. When he repeatedly ignored those and put our son is harms way, I pulled visitation.  My son even wrote him a letter asking him why he would ever take safety risks with him, he still hasn’t answered my son’s letter, nor the  3  I’ve written  asking him to “step up”. It’s been over 2 years now. Pretty sad actually, but we all make our choices. He’s missing out on one heck of a great kid! My son,  he’s an amazing kid, great in school, happy, healthy and with God given strength! It was tough on him for a while, but he’s realized that we can’t make choices for anyone but ourselves and he knows he’s a great kid! We still see his paternal grandparents and his sibling Joshua and we are all very close. Family is defined by those who love us and care about us, not necessarily by the blood that runs through our veins.

I wish you the best for you and your children.

Sincerely,
Tery Adams